Personal Statement

It was on July 9^th 2011 that the Bersih (Clean) rally took action. Organized by the Coalition for Clean and Fair Elections, the Walk for Democracy pushed the Electoral Commission of Malaysia to ensure free and fair elections in Malaysia. The Commission was demanded to clean up the electoral roll, reform postal voting, use indelible ink, introduce a minimum 21-day campaign period, allow all parties free access to the media, and put an end to electoral fraud. Such event drew the attention of the Yang Di-Pertuan Agong as the Head of the state to address his people. Despite the royal intervention by His Highness, the government remained adamant in their stance to illegalize the street rally. This occurrence made me wonder about the true condition of the protest – Whether it was legal or illegal? On one hand the rally called for a reformation in the country’s corrupted system. However, the rally also caused chaos and anarchy which are destroying peace and order in the nation. These questions intrigued me to learn more about the law and its catalytic effect on human society. Since then, my interest in law was fostered and it promoted me to ask even more questions regarding religious freedom and moral codes.

I am very interested in reading law. The law is very crucial since it forms the foundation on which any civilized society is based. Law is multi disciplinary and is very fascinating. This is because it not only involves the technical understanding of the constitution, but also psychology, science, English, Latin, philosophy, forensics and so many other subjects to mention. This enhances the study of law as a complete subject in all respects. It is astounding how the law permeates every aspect of our lives. One law professor even said that it is the universal solvent, so to speak. It mixes with every other discipline in some way, and everything else mixes with it in another.

My participation in debating confirmed me of my interest in reading law. I was enthusiastic for practice and I tried to make myself eligible for tournaments as frequently as possible. Even at the point where my team faces inevitable defeat, my motivation never faded. This is because my true intention is not victory, but to obtain experience and knowledge of the soft skills that a strong debater needs. Skills like critical analysis and finding creative approaches to an issue is not just a valued capability to a debater, but also an important aptitude for a capable barrister. My spirit did not leave me in vain. My team managed to break into the finals of the Inter-MJSC Debating Championship for 2010 and 2011. My determination also allowed me to achieve the award of 5^th best speaker of the Inter-MJSC Debating Championship and 3^rd best speaker of the IIUM Interschool Debating Championship. I was also listed for training as one of the potential debaters to represent Malaysia in the World School Debating Championship 2012.

Moreover, I am a holder of a second degree black belt in Taekwon-Do. It means that I hold the responsibility of a Boosabum or an assistant instructor. My experience leading a class taught me that being discipline is crucial since I need to set an example. Being strong-willed helped me to become a gold-medalist in the sport of sparring. Despite it all, my Sabum or instructor brought great emphasis on the five tenets of Taekwon-Do. These tenets are: Courtesy, Integrity, Perseverance, Self Control, and Indomitable Spirit. Nevertheless, I picture my future as the last two phrases of the student’s oath: "I shall be a champion of freedom and justice" and "I shall build a more peaceful world." I believe that studying law and becoming a barrister may help me to realize this dream and contribute in a better future.

I would like to pursue studying law at a university in the UK because the Law program there provides a comprehensive and critical understanding of core legal principles. It includes not only torts law, contracts law and criminal law, but also European law and human rights law. Studying abroad would also provide me the chance to broaden my perspective and see the world from a different angle. This experience would encourage me to analyze the law within its broader economic, political, cultural, and international settings. If God willing that I am accepted into your law program, I would partake in a three year undergraduate degree program which results in an LLB. I further plan to apply to join one of the four Inns of Court and then complete the one-year Bar Professional Training Course (BPTC), followed by a pupilage in a set of barristers' chambers to become a full pledge barrister. I am determined to study law at your university.

How could I... ?

How could I forget her? I still remember when we were on that bus to Besut. The trip was filled with odd yet wonderful memories. But there was this one sight that I could never ever forget for the rest of my life. We were on the bus. We talked about everything - and I didn't even care about the people around us. Just hearing her voice speak and seeing her smile made me asked her more questions just to avoid her from stopping. It was just before Maghrib, the bus was heading south and the sun was setting. She was sitting in the seat on the left lane while I sat opposite to her. As the sun began fall along the right side of the bus, she admired the beautiful sunset. The golden rays of the sun were just incredible. I don't know if she realized it or not, but I watch her smile as she gazed upon this magnificent scene. As the golden rays of the sun fell upon her rosy cheeks, the mere sight made me think twice to even look away. Her glittering eyes and sweet dimpled smile made me wish for the moment to stay the way it is, forever.

Losing, or is it?

A memory from high school...

Losing isn't actually is losing.

So verily, with the hardship, there is relief...

In His holy verses of the Quran, Allah reminds every single one of us that behind every cloud there is, and be sure that there IS, a silver lining.

For example,

me. losing most of my things. really taught me a lesson. That not everything that we think that was bad, heavy, hard and sad is actually what it is. And I'm not saying that "everything would be better in the end". What I'm saying to you is that it is actually a blessing in disguise. I lost my things. That showed me how my parents truly loves me.

Another example is that when you think that you're losing a friend. I have a few friends that are actually good at heart. However, guilt is killing them from the inside. They think that they are the ones who made mistakes and they are the cause of a dying friendship. But, in truth they are not. Their growing guilt makes them feel that they have to part, but in fact there's no need.

For only through hardship, you and your relationships will be tested. This is a test from Allah. A mere test from your Lord. First, you have to realize that it is a TEST. A test that you are not bound to fail. With patience, faith and god-consciousness, you can never fail. Even though that it seems that you are failing, it is actually another test itself.

You will fail when you decide you are. You have lost everything when you say you have. You will lose a friend when you act like it is. It's up to you.

I chose my path and made my decision. I haven't lost anything.

My things - I will replace them with something more high-tech anyway.

My health - it's recovering

My friend - someone that can never be replaced and I'm not planning on losing that someone anytime soon.

Just know that in the end, everything's gonna be alright. If it's not alright, then it's not the end. Trust me on this one.

A series of (un?)fortunate events.

A memory from high school...

   I'm still confused whether I'm actually fortunate or unfortunate. Could it be a blessing or a curse. Or, could it just be an early premonition about my imminent death?
   Well, to start...
I lost my bag. How stupid of me to leave it in class? YES, I was (or probably am) stupid. Frankly, that day wasn't really so good. It had a bad start. Then, it became worse with headache - which ruined my basic judgement and cognitive skills until I lost any intention to socialize. I never did go to the morning assembly. I thought I'm starting to catch something - maybe. I made my way to the sick bay and asked the clerk when the trip to the hospital is. "Around nine". I thought that if I have to wait until nine to go to the hospital - I'd rather bear with it and go to class. I went to class, put the bag on the table (or I think I did), took my books and left. Soon, I started to look my bag and couldn't find it. First, I was in denial. Then, I finally accepted that it’s lost. Honestly, I felt a loss. The thing is, inside the bag was my laptop, my 320 GB external hard drive, my 8 GB thumb drive, a new DVD, my mp3 player, along with the other things that I can't remember.




   Then...
I trip at a set of stairs as I was on my way to my room. The stairs were made from concrete, old and rough. I hurt my knee and scratch my right arm. I went to hospital the next day to check my knee. After a standard x-ray, the doctor said that I didn't crack my patella. Later that night, after Maghrib, I felt that my left eye really itched. I looked at it in the bathroom mirror and saw that it was red. Again, I went to the hospital and had it checked. It was an eye infection.




   To think of it...
The events that happened to me really made me think. Losing my laptop proved that my parents really loves me. Losing something so valuable showed me to something that was priceless. To have my mother even look at me after what I've done - I just feel like crying. And you know the thing about boarding schools and how they handle contagious diseases. They send patient zero (which is me) back home so the disease won't spread. That gave me an early holiday, hehehe.... Only when you're facing with crisis, you tend to appreciate what life has to offer. And in this case, Allah had planned something better.




On the other hand...
Losing my laptop                      = temporary (or even permanent) memory loss
falling when climbing the stairs   = degrading of basic motor skills
eye infection                             = failing of immune system




Allah knows, I just might be dying... hehehe....




P.S.
Just let it go ... Wan.....

Something worth sharing. Pt. 3

Love is a beautiful thing, so full of every good word in the dictionary. What makes love ugly is when we confuse lust with love and tarnish love’s good name. How about love (or as I said, feelings) for a significant other? Sometimes I worry about my feelings for my significant other. Would it ruin me? Would it lead me to actions I take based on these feelings? I hope not. I can only agree partly when I hear people say that love before marriage is not love at all. I don’t really believe so. I believe that love is love at ANY age. True love, yes, there is only the one and only Allah SWT. The difference is, before marriage, there are many boundaries to watch. And a higher probability of committing sins. I once told this to a friend of mine who advised me not to confess to the person I have feelings for. The advice wasn’t really necessary (but I appreciate the effort anyway) because that was truly out of question. That would be too embarrassing for me. I told my friend that there was nothing to be worried about, that I wasn’t that kind of person. I believe that if I confessed to a guy, it would only be after my marriage so I wouldn’t get involved with any type of zina (what’s zina in English? Adultery?). And I certainly do not want to be involved in THAT. I believe that although I MAY or COULD be married to my boyfriend, or my classmate or a friend from the same school, there is a FAT chance that high school relationships end up that way. So I don’t get too excited, too overwhelmed, and too giddy. Teenage heartbreaks hurt the most. There is a possibility that as important as my significant other may seem to me now, he may not be in the future. Allah knows better.  I am not against this act of confessing. Some find it as a step for them to move on. I am not one of these people. I just feel that I am not strong enough. Ya Allah, I am not strong enough. Besides, what is the purpose of confessing anyway? At this age I mean. Confess, then what? I’d rather keep my feelings secret than confess and wait for a response. I don’t say it out loud but I do get the feeling, we ALL do. When we confess, we kind of expect a certain type of reaction, right? So I choose not to. I think we should all think about our studies at the moment. STRAIGHT A+ XDATANG BERGOLEK TAU. Remember that at this age, when you choose not to tell a person about what you feel for him/her, Allah will look at you and love you more (that is, if you don’t have any long-term plans).These feelings I have for this person are just feelings. I don’t plan on doing anything with them. Allah is not punishing me by granting me feelings that could or may cause me to do acts that are sinful. Allah loves me so He is giving me a platform to SHINE, an obstacle He knows I can overcome. InsyaAllah. Allah, I will never love You as much as You love me but I will try to love You all I can. Update:  Loving Allah is the greatest feeling you could ever feel. I am certainly glad that I have discovered this feeling when I am still exploring my teenage hood.  I’d be more than happy to share with everyone. It has shown me paths that were invisible to me before. We are forgetful and we need to be reminded.

Assalamualaikum.-The Daydreamer-

Something worth sharing. Pt. 2

Yes, I admit, as a teenager, it is no piece of cake. I have tried before but this time it is different. This time, I not only believe that Allah is with me, I know that Allah is with me. By saying this, I do not mean to say that I didn’t believe in Allah before, I just didn’t often turn to Him when I was in trouble. My faith was not strong enough. In this era, I realise that people might see my change as an act of hypocrisy and some think I am doing this to make myself look good. But how long can they judge me so? I believe that if I hold on to my beliefs long enough, they will start to believe in me, too. I am aware that some may say I am leading myself to mild public isolation. But which is more important, what the society thinks of me, or what Allah thinks of me? It may seem hard when we see that the people around us who play a major role in our lives turn away. Allah was the reason I existed in the first place. And when I say that, I feel that I can no longer doubt my decision. I say it with my whole heart and I believe. I believe in You, Allah. I see now. I can finally take a deep breath and feel calm. And you know what? It feels really good. I am glad that I made this decision. I am happy that everybody can accept my change. They can understand that I am doing this because it is a willing choice and they respect me for that. Although we all come from different family backgrounds, they can accept my stand. I am still me, unchanged and they know that I am not judging them or trying to make them feel bad that they didn’t make the same decision. That they chose to express what they feel for their significant other, which they choose to completely banish the person from their life. What I am doing is just a choice I am making for myself. I do not expect everyone to do what I do. I do not consider myself an example neither am I a role model. I am not saying this is the best option one can take. I am saying that this is something I CAN do. Everybody has their own way of handling their problems, their decisions to make. That is their right and I will not violate it. We live in a society where not everyone is the same. Accepting people for who they are and who they aren’t just makes the organisation stronger. We should be focusing on what matters in life, the certain. Lately, I have been wasting my time doing ‘uncertain’ things. And I feel troubled. But I forget sometimes, that Allah is constantly with me, watching over me. He is my lover whom I have yet to know. We tend to take Allah ever so lightly, don’t we? We are weak and imperfect, believing in only what we see. When will we get to the point where we can just close our eyes and have faith? Hopefully, soon. Wouldn’t that be nice? =) Sometimes I feel like a bad person. There are certain times where I would cry as I pray because of the sins me committing. Then I would also cry when I think about the fact that I only cry when I am troubled by a problem and I realise Allah is the only ONE that never ever leaves my side. He is always here for me, isn’t He? He loves me, and although I can say I love Allah too, I feel that THAT is a lie I am telling myself. How can I love one I do not KNOW? How can I love ONE when I previously did nothing to get to know Him? So, I am determined to make Him my on-top-of-the-list lover.

Something worth sharing. Pt. 1

   I got this from a close friend. After reading it, I found that it’s worth sharing with the whole world. Something such as beautifully written would be greatly appreciated by anyone who reads it. It touched me in a sense where I realized part of what I've been losing sight of for some time. To find your way in this life and for the hereafter. That is the real journey that all of us are going through. To realize that every single each and every one of us are only fellow travellers to the grave.   The "day dreamer", a true friend and a great writer.

***

Assalamualaikum.“I am not looking for a husband at this age. I am merely exploring the essence of my teenage hood, that is, without disobeying Allah’s laws.”There has been quite a lot on my mind lately. No I am not losing my mind. I am just bothered by a small problem. Before this, I chose not to tell anyone about my worries. I am not afraid that they will get sick of listening to them. I chose not to because I was too embarrassed to. It is not an accomplishment. Just a sign that I am human. I shall not call it a mistake for nothing ever is one nor will I feel proud about it. Everything happens for a purpose. The fact that i hold a certain queer feeling for a significant other worries me. I am sure it is no sin to feel so. Allah is Just. I am sure that most of us have gone through this feeling at least once. As a teenager, I feel that the word ‘love’ will not work for me unless I am expressing my love towards Allah, Prophet Muhammad pbuh, my religion and my society. I do not want to use the word ‘like’ either as I feel it makes me sound like a kindergarten kid all over again. I think I will stick to ‘feelings’. I realise that my faith still needs to be worked on as I feel that I am burdened by this natural phenomenon. I clearly do not know Allah’s plans for me. I try not to waste my time trying to figure it out for I will never know till the right time comes. Is this a sin? Am I committing a sin? I ask this question every second of the day. I do not try hard enough to distance myself from him that it seems I barely put an effort in making it succeed. But each day I talk to Allah, I feel I want to more and more. Thinking about whether or not he feels the same about me is not an act of intelligence. Satan’s whispers may cloud my own voice. Then it might lead to other unfortunate events. Love? No, I am nothing but an incomplete slave of Allah. I am not ready. I should be making my parents smile, the Prophet proud and Allah love me; not waste what isn’t mine to do useless things. He may be meant for me, he may also not be. I choose to work on the certain, not the uncertain. I am 17 years old and I have a great journey ahead of me. To rid the person I have feelings for just because I want to run away from the fact that what I feel for him IS true, would only prove my immaturity as a woman, so I won’t. He is a Muslim and I consider all Muslims as my family. My genuinely deep feeling for him will not cloud my ways as I treat him merely as my friend. There is nothing wrong with being friends with a person you have feelings for. He is a good friend and only that. I want to wake up and feel satisfied with myself. I want to know Allah and his prophets better than I know another human being. I want to open my eyes each morning and love myself because although I commit sins every day, at least I am trying to avoid the ones I DO realise I am doing. I am not saying love is a crime. It really isn’t. What makes it wrong is when we act without thinking, act based on these feelings. 

The 'one'

{About knowing who “the one” is} you can’t know those types of things. You can only trust what you feel in your heart and take a blind leap of faith. That’s what life's about. You know, we’re not put on this earth to live perfect lives, where we never get hurt or we never make mistakes. We’re put here to hurl ourselves headfirst into this crazy world, and the bruises and scrapes we get along the way; they just mean you're living life.

Family

Sometimes your family can make you really mad or feel bad and make it hard to see the good things in them. But then one day they're gone and all you have left are the memories and you see all those good things in a new light and you wish that you had pointed them out a little more often along the way.

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Some years back, when I started to understand things happening around me. I noted down a poem in my personal diary. Writer of this poem (i.e. Ernest Henley) was not much popular that time as I know but after an incident he became world famous and his poem was published in all leading dailies of the world. He got fame in just a day, kudos to a bad guy named Timothy McVeigh. What I can remember that this guy was accused for a bomb blast in Oklahoma City due to which nearly 200 people died. This guy was accused for murder of those 200 people.

In a letter he requested be sent to the Observer, McVeigh said he was "borrowing a page from US foreign policy" and had "decided to send a message to a government that was becoming increasingly hostile by bombing a government building." He chose the Alfred P Murrah federal building in Oklahoma City.

He was sentenced to death and died by lethal injection. McVeigh had confessed to the bombing, and referred to the execution as "state-assisted suicide". Timothy McVeigh chose the poem Invictus, which means "Unconquerable" in Latin, to be his final statement. He handed a handwritten copy of William Ernest Henley's poem to the prison warden, Harley Lappin, just before his death.

I was always able to inspire me with this poem especially from the last line i.e. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Read this poem while keeping timothy in your mind- (a man who is going to die in some days, a man who doesn't know how world is going to take his name, a man who will get a place in history though with a wrong reason, a traitor, a rebel) 

Out of the night that covers me, 

Black as the Pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeoning’s of chance 

my head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

and yet the menace of the years 

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,

 how charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate: 

I am the captain of my soul.

http://rendezvous-with-rdx.blogspot.com/

Friends

There's no guarantee that you and your friends will go your own separate ways someday. So there's no sense in worrying about it. For now, act like your friendship is forever, and it might turn out that way.

Want it so badly

Sometimes we want something so bad, we practically write the script on how it should go, even though we know better. There’s no such thing as the perfect family; there are always lumps. But why do the lumps have to be bad? Maybe instead of trying so hard to create the ideal, we should embrace the not so perfect. Because sometimes it’s the imperfections that make the memories you really cherish.

Life, maybe...

Maybe life is like a cross country road trip. You can get so focused on the enormity of the mission ahead, staring straight out of the expansive road as you fail to notice the stuff you're passing by right at that moment.

Experience

Ever notice how when you're standing right next to something, it always seems really big, and you know, important? But when you get enough distance, that same thing can suddenly feel tiny, maybe even insignificant. Until you're standing so far away you have to really strain just to be able to see them. And new experiences are always Technicolor, larger than life. Going to a place you’ve never been before makes you re-examine everything.

My nenek

   As far as I could remember, my arwah grandmother died in Ramadhan of 2009. She died due to old age and diabetes. Before she died, she began to show bad signs of her diabetes. It started when the second toe on her right foot got scratched. It healed very slowly - in fact it never actually healed properly. Then, her toe began to become darker in colour. At this point I had gut feeling that the time is about to came closer. I denied myself, but who can deny the truth. Her injury became worse. She was admitted into a hospital. In the same time mom just gave birth to her youngest child. If wasn't for her pantang, she was the one who is going to take care of nenek. However, she had a month to go and nenek was being cared by my Pak Lang.

   The doctor told Pak Lang that they have no choice but to amputate the toe. If not, the infection will spread and nenek's condition will get worse. Pak Lang signed the papers and the procedure went well. The moment I got the news, my gut feeling became stronger than ever. Who knew that the feelings were actually a premonition about the event that is going affect my life? After a while, the doctor found out that the infection had already spread and they are forced to cut off her right toe. The procedure went as planned and nenek lost another toe. No one could expect what the said next.

   I was in Muadzam Shah when I got news about nenek's second procedure. After a few weeks, I called my parents and asked about nenek's condition. Good news - her condition was stabilizing and improving. My heart leapt with joy - joy that was lie I told myself, still hoping for the best, to comfort my heart so could continue studying. But, i knew that was not at all the truth.

   The doctor talked with Pak Lang. He convinced Pak Lang that it would be better for nenek if we cut off her right leg just to make the infection doesn't spread that far. It would be much, much, much worse they had cut her leg inch by inch. It would be torture. Losing her right leg made nenek lost a part of her life. Although she tries to hide her grief and sadness with smiles and jokes, all of us could see it in her face that she lost a part of her in that procedure. And all of this happened while I was in Muadzam. I never got the chance to visit nenek.

   On one faithful night, mom got this strong feeling that she needs to see nenek. Mom convinced dad to bring her to the hospital. Despite, her pantang, they made their way to the hospital and met nenek. Only Allah knows that, that night was last meeting between mom and nenek.

   The next day, I woke up without a sigh. Like every morning in Muadzam, all of us would recite Yaasin to begin the day. As usual I accidentally dozed off. I woke up and told myself, “What if one of my families died today. I will recite this Yaasin for them. Yes, I'm reciting on behalf of my late family member. You'll just never know. You just got to be ready." After the recital, light heartedly I exited the surau. Then, Ustaz Khir came from behind and tapped me on the shoulder. "Assalamualaikum, Ustaz." I said. "Waalaikusalam, Wan. I just got news that your grandmother passed away last night. Have patience and be strong. Wan..." explained the ustaz. I cried. Not giving a damn of the people around me.

   My homeroom teacher told me that a car will come and pick me up. Since I was in Muadzam Shah - the jungle part of Pahang, it took more than three hours to reach Gombak. The car stopped beside the graveyard as I could see the group of people surrounding a plot of land. I ran as fast as I could. However when I reached there, they already performed the solah, recited the Quran and said their prayers for nenek. All I could see were my relatives evening out the earth on my grandmother's grave. I came too late.

   Nenek was going to die, and I knew that. We all did. Every single one of us will too, someday. We are just fellow travellers to the grave. I would rather be separated with her and have her rest in peace, away from the nasty tongues and fouled mouths of men, away from the tribulations of old age, away from the agony of her sickness, than having her putting up with the pain and sorrow of living in this world. At least, now I can be sure, nenek is finally at peace. She may have died, but she remains immortal in our hearts and our memories.

Arwah Patimah Binti Hashim died in Ramadan 2009. A moment of silence and Al-Fatihah.

May nenek rest in peace.

Bismillah

This will be a new beginning.

I will not forget my past, but I will not forsake my future.

I still remember when I was about 14 years old, my English teacher taught me that change is the only constant in the cosmos. 

"The only thing that does not change is change itself"

It is either we change for the better or we stumble for the worse. 

Take control of your life and the make the right decisions.  

IIUM IDC '11 - Debating much?

At IIUM Gombak campus...

A picture is worth a thousand words - and i got loads... hehehe

(>_<)V

Memories are immortal...